Monday, September 29, 2008

Abraham Lincoln Was Wrong

No not about slavery. Please. That would be insane.

Let me explain.

Having dropped out of the race for President, I had been busy doing what I love, seeking out companies that would do harm to the American people. Much of my time was spent purchasing products that are clearly ill conceived death traps and demonstrating their danger by applying them to myself. Most people are frighteningly unaware of how sharp Top Ramen is and how, if jabbed into one's eye, it can be extremely painful.

While recuperating from my toils (my opthamologist put me on strict bed rest for 3 weeks while my cornea healed), it gave me an excess of time to study the news and to reflect upon it. And I thought a great deal about the supposed rift that has split the American people.

According to one source, The country is nearly evenly split between the Democratic and Republican candidates for president. The electoral college votes are nearly evenly split between Mr. Obama (263) and Mr. McCain (242). It would seem that in either case, a great many people will be disappointed.

Pundits claim that we are a country divided, that the election pits the old against the young, the poor against the rich, the conservative against the liberal and the qualified politician against the bizarre soccer mom.

This is ridiculous.

There is only one schism that separates us and it has done so since 1861.

The one between the Union and the Confederacy.

Let us examine what the outcome of the upcoming election might happen to be if Mr. Lincoln had not imposed his will upon the south and allowed them the freedom to secede. I am including in my list of Confederate states the seven states that declared their secession before Lincoln took office (South Carolina, Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, and Texas), the four states that declared their secession after the Confederate attack on Fort Sumter (Arkansas, North Carolina, Virginia, and Tennessee), the two states with rival secessionist governments (Missouri and Kentucky), the three border slave states (Delaware, Maryland, and West Virginia) and the two states claimed by the Confederacy (New Mexico and Arizona).

In the north, Mr. Obama would win by a landslide (245 to 68). And in the south, Mr. McCain would be winning by an even greater margin (174 to 18).

We can have one nation divided or two nations that are unified.

We, as a people, fully supported the self determination exercised by the many soviet bloc nations during the 1990's. Why would we deny that right to our brothers in the south?

It is time to right this terrible wrong.

I submit that congress act immediately to allow, or perhaps insist, that the Confederacy's original request for secession be granted.

We in the north would lose many things - NASCAR, boll weevils, Coca-Cola, hurricanes, grits, Lynyrd Skynrd tribute bands, the ability to compel women to disrobe by merely providing them with colorful beads, and The Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Those in the south would lose everything else.

It is a small price to pay so that we can all have the president we deserve.

Think about it.

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