Friday, August 15, 2008

On Turning Foreigners Into Americans

Many foreigners hate our government.

So do I. Most thinking people would.

But some misguided foreigners also hate America. And I believe that is only because they don't know better. They only know America by the actions of our government. Those of you who have met our government, either in an official capacity or socially, at a party, say, understand why they might come to that conclusion. First impressions, I have heard, are very important and if your first introduction to America is through America's government it is very likely that you would conclude that America is a smug, annoying, deceitful, inconsiderate, self-righteous, close-minded buffoon. I know I would.

So how do we help these people to understand that deep down at their core they too are as American as Apple Pie, Chevy Trucks and Neil Sedaka?

Sell them things. American things.

A good step in that direction was recently noted in an article from CNN. Titled "U.S. exports cigarettes, bras, bull semen to Iran", details the efforts being made every day to convert Iranians into Americans by selling them items that reek of American values such as perfume, golf carts and fur clothing.

Now I do not mean to suggest that by merely selling them these things they will become like you or I. At least, not like myself. If you are materialistic and stupid, which you have a significant chance of being, then there is a distinct possibility that they could become like you. But selling them these goods will not make them like me and that is the goal, of course.

True, this will not be sufficient. But it is a significant first step. If we can lure them into becoming consumers of American goods then we can, over time, begin to sell them more and more complicated items. Any idiot can successfully use a cigarette, bra or bull semen, but it takes a good deal of education to be able to successfully utilize an iPod, Xbox 360, or F-22 stealth fighter. Once we can convince these foreigners to enroll in one of our universities, where they will learn to appreciate intense thought, hard work, television and Pabst Blue Ribbon, then we will have succeeded in creating a world where we are all the same and there will no longer be a need to be tolerant of those different from us. Not that I was tolerant of those who are different, but I did find it annoying when people would criticize me for that. I hate people like that.

Think about it.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Kudos To You, John McCain

I am not an attractive man. I am fully aware of this fact.

I am old. I am antisocial. I lack any hint of charisma.

This does not bother me. I am not one to be swayed by image.

I feel that I have found a kindred spirit in John McCain.

Mr. McCain recently commented on Barack Obama's celebrity stature, noting "He's the biggest celebrity in the world". I concur with many of his observations. Mr. Obama is popular, attractive, charismatic and eminently likable. He appears "presidential". He evokes "support". He seems "electable".

Why should this be important?

Neither I nor Mr. McCain fit the popular view of what a president should be. We are both easily irritated, crotchety old men. Neither of us can be bothered by the niceties of etiquette or manners or diplomacy. We are not interested in compromise or cooperation or listening or being open minded.

We don't care how we appear.

I know that many people believe in such things. One poll, notes the "enthusiasm gap" between Mr. McCain and Mr. Obama. While Mr. Obama's supporters are excited about the prospect of their candidate being elected, Mr. McCain's supporters do not really care all that much.

Should that matter? I personally do not care about my supporters and I would not expect them to care about me.

We are men of ideas. At least, I assume that he is. I know that I am. I have excellent ideas and that should be enough. I don't know any of Mr. McCain's ideas, but I am sure they have some merit. Particularly those that match mine, if he has any.

So Mr. McCain, I applaud you. Stick to your guns. Make no effort to appease the masses and improve your image. You may not seem like a president. You may seem more like that uncle that one only sees on special occasions and then only every few years that makes everyone uncomfortable and you hope and pray that no one says anything that sets him off and you take all the liquor to the neighbor's house beforehand so that he won't start drinking and you won't have a repeat of that last Fourth of July picnic when the police came.

Think about it.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Iraq - A Model Of Fiscal Responsibility

The American government is apparently incapable of managing its expenses in a responsible manner. But it is not impossible to do so. We need look no further than our neighbor to the east, Iraq. According to a recent news article, despite the great challenges that nation faces, they have been able to amass a sizable surplus of 79 Billion dollars.

How did they do it, you might ask. Simple. They lack the ability to spend it. Without the vast numbers of trained buyers, managers and accountants that the United States has at its disposal, the Iraqi government simply can't spend money at the same breathtaking rate that we have become accustomed to.

What can we learn from this? By simply firing all government buyers, managers, and accountants, we can quickly and easily cut our expenses. I am sure that some well meaning neighbors (I am talking to you, Canada), would sympathize with our situation and pay for those things we are unable to pay for ourselves. After a few years of occupation by the Canadians, when we have managed to pay off our debts, we can then blame them for our troubles and request that they leave. A simple, yet proven, approach to money management.

Think about it.