On Turning Foreigners Into Americans

Many foreigners hate our government.

So do I. Most thinking people would.

But some misguided foreigners also hate America. And I believe that is only because they don't know better. They only know America by the actions of our government. Those of you who have met our government, either in an official capacity or socially, at a party, say, understand why they might come to that conclusion. First impressions, I have heard, are very important and if your first introduction to America is through America's government it is very likely that you would conclude that America is a smug, annoying, deceitful, inconsiderate, self-righteous, close-minded buffoon. I know I would.

So how do we help these people to understand that deep down at their core they too are as American as Apple Pie, Chevy Trucks and Neil Sedaka?

Sell them things. American things.

A good step in that direction was recently noted in an article from CNN. Titled "U.S. exports cigarettes, bras, bull semen to Iran", details the efforts being made every day to convert Iranians into Americans by selling them items that reek of American values such as perfume, golf carts and fur clothing.

Now I do not mean to suggest that by merely selling them these things they will become like you or I. At least, not like myself. If you are materialistic and stupid, which you have a significant chance of being, then there is a distinct possibility that they could become like you. But selling them these goods will not make them like me and that is the goal, of course.

True, this will not be sufficient. But it is a significant first step. If we can lure them into becoming consumers of American goods then we can, over time, begin to sell them more and more complicated items. Any idiot can successfully use a cigarette, bra or bull semen, but it takes a good deal of education to be able to successfully utilize an iPod, Xbox 360, or F-22 stealth fighter. Once we can convince these foreigners to enroll in one of our universities, where they will learn to appreciate intense thought, hard work, television and Pabst Blue Ribbon, then we will have succeeded in creating a world where we are all the same and there will no longer be a need to be tolerant of those different from us. Not that I was tolerant of those who are different, but I did find it annoying when people would criticize me for that. I hate people like that.

Think about it.