On Campaigning, Raising Money, and Lunch

I am upset.

I find it outrageous that I have to spend money in order to simply get people to vote for me when it is clearly in their best interest to do so. I am not running for President for myself, I am doing it for the American people. So why won't they just listen to me and save all of us a great deal of trouble.

I understand from my staff that we are not doing as well financially as they would like. Our main fund raising site has not been as profitable as was hoped. So, while contemplating this situation, I ran across an article detailing how an individual spent 2.1 Million dollars in order to simply have lunch with another individual.

I was shocked. I cannot fathom why anyone would spend that kind of money to just eat a meal with someone. I could certainly offer better lunch companionship at a more reasonable cost than that. As I have no friends I have a great deal of pent up "chatting" that I would be happy to share with my lunch mate. I'm sure that I would be extremely interesting. I find myself interesting. I'm sure others would too.

I am offering to have lunch with anyone for the very reasonable price of $2,300 (the maximum individual campaign contribution). I will even pay for my own meal. You may choose the restaurant, but it must be within walking distance of my home or you must provide transportation. If you wish to drive, you can go no more than 25 MPH or 5 MPH below the speed limit, whichever is lower (speed limits are set dangerously high in this country, a condition that I will rectify, once I am president).

The restaurant must offer pancakes, grilled cheese or toast. If those items are not available, it would be acceptable to stop somewhere else first in order to pick one of those up for my meal beforehand. It may also be possible to request that my assistant, Tree Sing, prepare one of those for me, but she has been highly unreliable in this area lately, claiming that she is not my assistant but is instead, my Public Relations Consultant, or some such thing.

I prefer a booth to a table and I will not sit on the same side as you.

You could bring others, but they must also contribute $2,300. And I will only talk to the two people on either side of me and, possibly, the person sitting across from me, if the restaurant is quiet and the table is narrow. Others who join us should plan on finding other things to entertain themselves during the meal which do not make any noise, like reading.

Think about it.